General News
Peter Dutton seen in northern NSW frantically trying to stop the boats

Home Affairs minister and McDonald’s mascot Peter Dutton has today pledged to stop the growing tide of boat people seeking asylum from NSW, by threatening to deport them to Nauru.

“I’m sorry but if you’re facing trouble in your homeland and want a better life, you’re going to have to look somewhere else other than Australia,” Dutton told fleeing crowds today. “You can’t be coming down to southern NSW and taking people’s jobs while there are still open places in India and Pakistan’s asylum programme.”

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Instead the navy has been instructed to tow all boats, cars, and houses seen floating towards dry land to Papua New Guinea, where they will be kept in indefinite detention for millions of dollars a year instead of just letting them continue living in Australia and contributing to society. “This is a much better option,” said Dutton visibly twitching with ecstasy. “I’m afraid there is simply no other option than to put more children in detention. Oh dear sorry I appear to have salivated on the microphone there.”

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