General News
United Nations unanimously votes to just end 2016 right here

An emergency session of the United Nations has been called tonight to vote on a motion to end 2016 today, in an attempt to stem the flow of horrific world changing events that have been occurring since the new year.

Originally proposed by Ukraine in early January following the death of Alan Rickman, the motion to end the year early was initially abandoned due to concerns by various member states that such a move would mean missing out on David Bowie’s pending album release.

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The bill has since been revived multiple times by various member states, first by New Zealand following the shooting of a gorilla at the Cincinnati zoo, and then twice during the Rio Olympics, both at the time of the diving pool turning green and then at the news that a world class athlete had legitimately faked his own robbery for the sake of publicity. Both attempts to end the year were vetoed by America, who expressed their desire to find out whether Bernie Sanders or Jeb Bush would win the election.

Britain and Europe simultaneously dropped their opposition to the motion in October, following the Brexit vote that saw Britain voting to leave the EU, and Scotland almost voting to dissolve the United Kingdom.

Following the election of a man best known for his reality TV career and a catch phrase involving grabbing women by their crotch, ambassadors for the United States have signalled that they will no longer veto any vote, saying that they had “clearly miscalculated” the severity of what 2016 was planning to unleash on the world.

China and Russia have also stated they will support the motion, with China hoping that they can skip over their looming housing crash, and ambassadors for Russia stating “Do whatever you want guys, we already have American presidency in bag.”

Though initially opposed to the measure Canada has now also changed it’s opposition to the plan, following the loss of beloved entertainer Leonard Cohen. “We weren’t really that concerned at first about the high levels of celebrity death this year,” says a member of the Canadian UN delegation. “Frankly we could lose Bieber, Celine Dion, Nickelback and Avril in a single plane crash and the world would only be improved. But why in god’s name did 2016 have to claim the one musician who Canadians didn’t have to pretend was American!”

Representatives of all nations are due to meet and formally vote first thing tomorrow morning, with the world’s armies, navies and air fleets put on high alert for “literally anything that could possibly happen” between now and the resolution being passed. The world’s celebrities have also placed in bunkers at secret remote locations in the mean-time, until their safety can be assured.

Update: North Korea have now signalled their intention to abstain from the vote due to their commitment to launching a nuclear strike against Switzerland by Christmas 2016.

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