Russian military forces have today offered to pay compensation to families of staff at the Kiev heavy weapons manufacturing depot, after accidentally hitting with a rogue artillery shell meant for a nearby pre-school.

“This was never our intention,” wept one Russian general. “When I joined the Russian army it was for one thing and one thing alone, protecting the motherland from defenceless children 200 miles away from the Russian border.”

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Russian officials have declared they will be issuing a ceasefire to allow the Ukrainian military to rebuild their army facilities, before returning to regular shelling on innocent civilians fleeing via safe-haven corridors.