Today’s roundup of real news headlines that sound like they should be from The Chaser

Woolworths to offers free hacksaw with every purchase to help customers pay an arm and a leg for groceries

Experts confirm groomers are putting on dresses and reading books to children

George Calombaris hits back at critics

History made as local shopper manages entire shop without self-service having a meltdown

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Former Prime Minister Scott Morrison blames former Treasurer Scott Morrison for secret ministries

New entry on the ScoMo Press Conference bingo card

Man who constantly fled press conferences demands to know why journalists didn’t ask him more questions

Scott Morrison says he’s forgiven Jenny for not telling public about his secret ministries

So what ScoMo is saying is he wants journos following him around asking him every tiny niche question he can think of? Challenge accepted.

News Corp unable to understand how Dan Andrews won when their graphs show he only has 88% support

Pauline Hanson demands immediate inquiry into how they get cars inside the mall

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Either twitter is falling apart or the Defence Department is currently paying tribute to Jennifer Coolidge

Email does not find worker well

Country NSW excited to know it’s only 5 more disasters till Christmas

Just another day in Australian politics

Outrage as Labor votes to censure 5 ministers on the same day

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Sultan of Brunei shows off lavish wealth by purchasing weekly groceries from Coles

Recipe site to drop recipe entirely to make way for more preamble

Introducing our limited run of Mad Katter mugs – only 20 on sale this round so get in quick

Herald Sun Loses Victorian Election

Scott Morrison defends taking over other ministries during pandemic – “It’s not like I was doing anything as Prime Minister”

Pauline Hanson flees newsagent after learning they are promoting White Out

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Retail worker has ears removed in preparation for onslaught of Christmas music

Furious Pauline Hanson demands to know why there aren’t ‘White Friday’ sales

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The Project on track to reach Net 0 Hosts by 2023

Scott Morrison takes advice from man whose genius diet plan saw him placed in a medically induced coma

Introducing our limited run of 50 ‘Qantarse’ backpacks, perfect for carry on luggage Available exclusively at

Nation tells police to get fvcked

Sky News reports Andrews narrowly wins debate by 87% margin

Dutton calls for welfare cut after learning the poor are getting around in $300,000 Mercedes-Benzes

At least it didn’t end up being named Perthy McPerthface

Parliament full of investors mysteriously in no rush to address rental crisis

Today we remember the time former Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce cheated on his wife with a staffer, got busted, went on national TV and claimed his mistress could be pregnant to a bunch of guys, was fired from his job, then got the Deputy Prime Ministership back by rolling the Acting PM during a Covid outbreak

Landlord forced to keep bond after speck of dust found on bannister

New microwave boasts over 50 new features for you to never use

Local man on the brink of mental breakdown after water runs down inside of sleeve

Even we wouldn’t write a headline this ludicrous

A brief word from our sponsors

Today’s Batshit Moment In Australian Politics is the time the Herald Sun tried to run a puff piece on Peter Dutton, and this was the best quote they could get from his wife

Sad sight: elderly man forced to beg for access to public housing

“̴̥͕̪T̵͈̓̾̋w̸̥̦̔ì̵̗̯̩̔t̵̩͗̈́̄t̷̯͊ė̵̻̼̓̃͜r̴ r̵̡̗̞͆͗ŭ̷̳̬͙̔͠n̴̡͉̼̅n̸̢̜̏͌͝ī̴̗̠̓͜n̶̲̖͇̽ĝ̸͍̖ f̶̢̞͗in̶͉̳̲̏̀̕ȅ̷̲̈́̉” tweets Elon Musk

Once again the real news is trying to put us out of business

Today in Batshit Auspol moments, we remember the time Senator Bill Heffernan smuggled a pipe bomb and detonator into parliament and proceeded to give live instructions on how to build one

Government announce iceberg will be installed in Sydney Harbour to cut down on Covid outbreaks

BREAKING: CovidSafe data breach leads to hackers gaining absolutely no data on anyone

Today in headlines that sound like they could be from The Chaser, we’re pleased to announce we’re no longer the least profitable business of all time

Hair thing immediately clipped on lips

The time Tony Abbott did a day of ‘Work For The Dole’ and rocked up dressed like this

20 minutes spent finding 30 minute YouTube video that will accompany 3 minute meal

Putin warns Ukraine if they don’t give into his demands immediately his army will have no option but to retreat even further

Say what you like about Elon but you can’t deny that between Tesla and Twitter, the man sure knows how to organise a car crash

Please sponsor a billionaire

Christian distances self from God after learning he aborted only son