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Today’s roundup of real news headlines that sound like they should be from The Chaser



Woolworths to offers free hacksaw with every purchase to help customers pay an arm and a leg for groceries



Experts confirm groomers are putting on dresses and reading books to children



George Calombaris hits back at critics



History made as local shopper manages entire shop without self-service having a meltdown



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Former Prime Minister Scott Morrison blames former Treasurer Scott Morrison for secret ministries



New entry on the ScoMo Press Conference bingo card



Man who constantly fled press conferences demands to know why journalists didn’t ask him more questions



Scott Morrison says he’s forgiven Jenny for not telling public about his secret ministries



So what ScoMo is saying is he wants journos following him around asking him every tiny niche question he can think of? Challenge accepted.



News Corp unable to understand how Dan Andrews won when their graphs show he only has 88% support



Pauline Hanson demands immediate inquiry into how they get cars inside the mall



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Either twitter is falling apart or the Defence Department is currently paying tribute to Jennifer Coolidge



Email does not find worker well



Country NSW excited to know it’s only 5 more disasters till Christmas



Just another day in Australian politics



Outrage as Labor votes to censure 5 ministers on the same day



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Sultan of Brunei shows off lavish wealth by purchasing weekly groceries from Coles



Recipe site to drop recipe entirely to make way for more preamble



Introducing our limited run of Mad Katter mugs – only 20 on sale this round so get in quick https://batshit.shop/products/mad-katter-mug



Herald Sun Loses Victorian Election



Scott Morrison defends taking over other ministries during pandemic – “It’s not like I was doing anything as Prime Minister”



Pauline Hanson flees newsagent after learning they are promoting White Out



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Retail worker has ears removed in preparation for onslaught of Christmas music



Furious Pauline Hanson demands to know why there aren’t ‘White Friday’ sales



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The Project on track to reach Net 0 Hosts by 2023



Scott Morrison takes advice from man whose genius diet plan saw him placed in a medically induced coma



Introducing our limited run of 50 ‘Qantarse’ backpacks, perfect for carry on luggage Available exclusively at chasershop.com



Nation tells police to get fvcked



Sky News reports Andrews narrowly wins debate by 87% margin



Dutton calls for welfare cut after learning the poor are getting around in $300,000 Mercedes-Benzes



At least it didn’t end up being named Perthy McPerthface



Parliament full of investors mysteriously in no rush to address rental crisis



Today we remember the time former Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce cheated on his wife with a staffer, got busted, went on national TV and claimed his mistress could be pregnant to a bunch of guys, was fired from his job, then got the Deputy Prime Ministership back by rolling the Acting PM during a Covid outbreak



Landlord forced to keep bond after speck of dust found on bannister



New microwave boasts over 50 new features for you to never use



Local man on the brink of mental breakdown after water runs down inside of sleeve



Even we wouldn’t write a headline this ludicrous



A brief word from our sponsors



Today’s Batshit Moment In Australian Politics is the time the Herald Sun tried to run a puff piece on Peter Dutton, and this was the best quote they could get from his wife



Sad sight: elderly man forced to beg for access to public housing



“̴̥͕̪T̵͈̓̾̋w̸̥̦̔ì̵̗̯̩̔t̵̩͗̈́̄t̷̯͊ė̵̻̼̓̃͜r̴ r̵̡̗̞͆͗ŭ̷̳̬͙̔͠n̴̡͉̼̅n̸̢̜̏͌͝ī̴̗̠̓͜n̶̲̖͇̽ĝ̸͍̖ f̶̢̞͗in̶͉̳̲̏̀̕ȅ̷̲̈́̉” tweets Elon Musk



Once again the real news is trying to put us out of business



Today in Batshit Auspol moments, we remember the time Senator Bill Heffernan smuggled a pipe bomb and detonator into parliament and proceeded to give live instructions on how to build one



Government announce iceberg will be installed in Sydney Harbour to cut down on Covid outbreaks



BREAKING: CovidSafe data breach leads to hackers gaining absolutely no data on anyone



Today in headlines that sound like they could be from The Chaser, we’re pleased to announce we’re no longer the least profitable business of all time



Hair thing immediately clipped on lips



The time Tony Abbott did a day of ‘Work For The Dole’ and rocked up dressed like this



20 minutes spent finding 30 minute YouTube video that will accompany 3 minute meal



Putin warns Ukraine if they don’t give into his demands immediately his army will have no option but to retreat even further



Say what you like about Elon but you can’t deny that between Tesla and Twitter, the man sure knows how to organise a car crash



Please sponsor a billionaire



Christian distances self from God after learning he aborted only son